Which of this week's top tweets are your favorites? (Multiple selections encouraged) (Poll Closed)

  • When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way …@JohnLyonTweets

  • I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs. … @Tmoney68

  • While at a museum, ask yourself these questions: What is the artist’s intention? What does the art make you feel? Have you stood in front of the art as long as a smart person would? …@caraweinberger

  • My wife has this weird way of starting every conversation with ‘...are you even paying attention!?’ …. @better_off_dad

  • Seeing all this Nike stuff on fire, I'm thinking the right is pretty lucky a pajama company didn't hire Colin Kaepernick. ….@StevenKJohnson

  • Believe me, eating indoors every day is no picnic. …@xerxesbigboy

  • As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me …@brynnester

  • I've created the world's largest set of playing cards, not that I wanna make a big deal of it …@chuuew

  • What five emotions best describe how you imagine anyone else feels about lists of five things you make about yourself? Mine are: 1. Indifference 2. Disdain 3. Loathing. 4. Pity 5. Cold, withering contempt ….@thewritertype

  • People used to die young in the olden days because there was no internet so you couldn't beg for money to pay for your medical bills …@meganamram

  • If Occam’s razor followed Occam’s razor, it would be a razor …@rebrafsim

  • Criticizing Trump in a book is just unfair. It's like criticizing the Amish on television …@PoliteMelanie

  • If you want to take a date out for an expensive dinner may I suggest eating at the airport? … @BrandonEsWolf

  • I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos …. …@simoncholland

  • Instead of food, I put a note in my kid's lunchbox that says, "just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children" …@Gooooats

Posted 6 months.