Would you turn Tom's page? Be tough. Share insights with a comment.
2 Comments

  • Jack - 11 years ago

    Too much scenery. Every time the reader has to stop or slow to admire the pretty flowers, the story stops or slows with him.

    Descriptions should be evocative, not extensive. The 'feather's edge' is an example of evocative. Pick out the one or two things that catch the eye and evoke the scene, and cut the rest.

  • John V - 11 years ago

    No. First off, the present tense seems awkward, and is enough for me to drop this immediately. Also showing instead of telling ("terrified" which I believe Ray refers to as a conclusion word). And there was too much distance from the main character: "there is no sign of the asthma" is author intrusion. If he's really so clise to panic, he's not tinking about his asthma.

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