Would you turn David's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.
3 Comments

  • Brenda Knutson - 10 years ago

    There was so much description and not enough action. I was too inside this guy's head, and it was foreign territory to me. I was pulled into his head without wanting to be there. It's all subjective, as I don't like tons of description. I like getting to know a character first through his or her actions. Also, like Ray said, there was a lot of missed opportunities. I would suggest taking your time and pulling us in with some action. It is almost like too much is being crammed into the first page. It is good in that you start with "a moment" but crank up the moment with some conflict and tension. What is happening? What happened before this that caused him to reflect? There is so much talk about starting a story too soon, that sometimes writers react by starting the story too late. There is almost too much mystery going on, that I, as a reader, don't know which one I want to follow. Start one, then branch off. I hope I am not being too vague here. You are a good writer, obviously.

  • Deb - 10 years ago

    I voted no. I was tired of hearing about the mug; I wanted him to move on with why he was in that state. I had no idea what the story was about or where it was going. And quite frankly I grew bored.

    However, the writing was strong for me, and I felt like it could have been a really good story if we ever got to it.

  • Rick Breeden - 10 years ago

    Well done. I would like to see more and also some kind of gut-wrenching crises.

    One of the big 4 would work nicely I think. Loss of loved one, loss of home, loss of profession, or loss of health / physical ability.

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