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Thanks, Mysti! I appreciate you taking the time to read both and will launch into a rewrite within a few weeks. I'm doing some book reviews and research for the next novel right now and taking a much-needed break from this puppy. ;D
The first submission wasn't enough to get me to turn the page, but the second post by Ray was really well written, and wrought with tension - seemed to fit perfectly for the first 16 lines building intrigue all the way down the page. I'd definitely use that. Keep at it Victoria - good stuff. :)