Would you turn Suzanne's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.

1 Comment

  • Jan - 13 years ago

    I was sufficiently hooked to turn the page. However, I thought the first paragraph didn’t flow all that well. I would begin: By the time Detective Connor O’Brian arrived at the zoo, the animal rights protest was in full rant. This has now introduced me to the MC and the setting – the ‘who’ and the ‘where.’ The following sentences provide the ‘when and the ‘why.’
    Although the zoo had not yet opened for the season, people and vehicles choked its entrance plaza. A row of officers in riot gear had formed a barricade across the forested pathway leading to the turnstiles to prevent additional civilians from joining the protest.
    Connor parked in the fire lane and dragged himself out of the vehicle wondering once again why the adolescent soul harbors an irresistible drive to break free of his parents’ reign by attacking at their most vulnerable spot. I’m a cop; ergo my fifteen-year-old son is now in trouble with the law.
    He paused to slip on a pair of mirrored sunglasses – cop glasses – to shield his eyes from the sunlight glittering off the mounds of snow that stood sentinel along the edge of the parking lot.

    I enjoyed the descriptions and didn't have a problem with the rest of the page.

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