Would you turn Christy's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.

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Posted 9 years.

1 Comment

  • --E - 9 years ago

    Definitely a lack of plot-tension. There's some interpersonal tension, but as I don't know these characters or care about them yet, the interpersonal stuff doesn't draw me in.

    The info-embedding is also a little too obvious and too dependent on telling. Example: "No doubt the other members of the world-famous rock band JVC..." "World-famous rock band" is intrusive. It's obviously only there to tell the reader who JVC is. Much better would be to show us who JVC is. Perhaps have the characters carry instrument cases, or make reference to a recent gig; my point is that except for this phrase telling us they're a rock band, nothing in the scene indicates that.

    I assume their job is important to the story. The reader should be immersed in their world immediately. Right now, they could be a bunch of fifteen-year-olds headed to the bus stop after school.

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