Would you turn Treva's first page? Be tough. Comments help the writer.

1 Comment

  • Barry Florence-Bennett - 13 years ago

    There’s talent here, but it needs tightening
    1. Minor points of grammar:
    in the rooms around them... in the rooms around him
    but the moon shown bright... but the moon shone bright (and yes, bright should be brightly, but eschewing the adverbial form actually works in this case)
    2. And what I think of as laziness....
    Ink black? That smacks of cliché... and ink comes in a spectrum of colours
    pace down the hall... wrong verb, especially to describe stealthy, middle-of-the-night movement
    The idea of light prickling along skin and causing hair to bristle just feels... well, wrong. Personally, I’d have the cold night air do that, rather than have it seep through seams, when seams are the thickest, most impenetrable part of a shirt.
    But, and I repeat, there’s talent here

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