The write is interesting however I would not read it because you need to do a whole lot of editing.
scratch 'So I had decided' change to 'I decided' much smoother less wordy, go through the whole write and remove as many of the "I had" s as possible. Also look at present and past tense pick one a stick with it ( I will say you did stay pretty much in the present tense except for a few little minor nits.) Your storyline did not hook me in but I think you may have a good plot you just did not grab me.
Best regards
JLG
The write is interesting however I would not read it because you need to do a whole lot of editing.
scratch 'So I had decided' change to 'I decided' much smoother less wordy, go through the whole write and remove as many of the "I had" s as possible. Also look at present and past tense pick one a stick with it ( I will say you did stay pretty much in the present tense except for a few little minor nits.) Your storyline did not hook me in but I think you may have a good plot you just did not grab me.
Best regards
JLG