Would you turn Lorry's first page?

Total Votes: 50
1 Comment

  • John Phoenix - 9 years ago

    I found the second person a bit jarring at first because it is so rarely used but about half way into the second paragraph it clicked and I like it as long as the viewpoint is critical to the organic unfolding of the story. Additionally, I like the description and the voice.

    My only qualm is that the exposition didn't draw me in; didn't make me curious enough about why the boss is always yelling. I think it would be something if a boss that always yells was especially uncharacteristic that day or possibly vice versa.

    Otherwise, thank you for sharing your writing with me.

    John Phoenix

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