Would you turn Jorrie's first page?
1 Comment

  • Alex - 9 years ago

    I liked some things about Jorrie's opening, and it did pull me in somewhat. But I had to vote 'No' due to the heavy details and the somewhat wrinkly prose.

    For example, the second and sixth lines both read off to me. In the case of the second sentence, it is the way it ends with a prepositional phrase that makes my brow wrinkle (not from a 'rules' thing, my 'ears' don't like it). The sixth sentence reads sort of confused and the tense seems off..."It was the death of the silence that had cradled the park"...it would be cleaner and smoother to say "Silence cradled the park...", IMO. This way I can appreciate the elegance and strong visual of the simple phrase, rather than trying to figure out what it's supposed to mean.

    Reading shouldn't feel like work, and I'd rather be impressed by the story than the prose if I had to choose.

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