For me, there seemed to be more distraction than action. I don't know how to pronounce Choco (Chock-oh? Chow-koh?) So the very first word had me working, rather than being sucked in. I thought there was some duplication / easy cuts to make too - eg. in the first few sentences is "all" really necessary? Do you need "Alright" and also "thats good". Sorry to keep being picky - but why did two of the date-time info lines get a separate line - but the first one not? Do models really say "Holy moly"? Most importantly, what is actually going to happen that might keep me interested?
Thanks for letting me comment - and do keep writing!
John Phoenix - 11 years ago
I found the commentary on the things going on around the protagonist (car driver on the phone, crying babies on planes, etc.) to be distracting rather than a genuine part of the character's nature. I felt like the author was intruding and it was actually his or her own judgement and had nothing to do with the character. All in all it felt like too much of the wrong thing at the wrong time. The first page is such crucial real estate that it deserves it all: voice, tone, passion and a killer opening line.
Patricia - 11 years ago
It didn't have a solid voice yet, but could have picked up on page 2. There was some confusion for me with the airline timetables and talk of a fight with Jon, the yoga class, and doctor's pills. A lot to pile on in the first paragraphs. I just didn't hear the character's voice even though we were taken into her thoughts.
For me, there seemed to be more distraction than action. I don't know how to pronounce Choco (Chock-oh? Chow-koh?) So the very first word had me working, rather than being sucked in. I thought there was some duplication / easy cuts to make too - eg. in the first few sentences is "all" really necessary? Do you need "Alright" and also "thats good". Sorry to keep being picky - but why did two of the date-time info lines get a separate line - but the first one not? Do models really say "Holy moly"? Most importantly, what is actually going to happen that might keep me interested?
Thanks for letting me comment - and do keep writing!
I found the commentary on the things going on around the protagonist (car driver on the phone, crying babies on planes, etc.) to be distracting rather than a genuine part of the character's nature. I felt like the author was intruding and it was actually his or her own judgement and had nothing to do with the character. All in all it felt like too much of the wrong thing at the wrong time. The first page is such crucial real estate that it deserves it all: voice, tone, passion and a killer opening line.
It didn't have a solid voice yet, but could have picked up on page 2. There was some confusion for me with the airline timetables and talk of a fight with Jon, the yoga class, and doctor's pills. A lot to pile on in the first paragraphs. I just didn't hear the character's voice even though we were taken into her thoughts.