Were you compelled to turn the page with this as the opening?

1 Comment

  • Ivana Nuttaberger - 7 years ago

    I voted almost, but no to the second opening. The writing looked pretty clean and there's plenty of narrative drive in both versions to compel a page turn; however, plausibility knocked me out of the 2nd version. After the roof caved in she ducked out of the way. I don't think she would've had time to escape getting conked on the head. An easy fix would have been to, say, have her fumble the cell phone (she was, after all, freaked out by the call). She could then reach for the dropped cell and narrowly miss getting her skull crushed.

    The first version might work better without all the internal chatter. The RPG element is a good lead-in to subplot, it's just too much info too soon.

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