Tweet of the Week (18 finalists) (Poll Closed)

  • Do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're viciously stabbing it? No? How about now? …@rachelle_mandik
    7.19%

     
  • I've had a bad memory for as long as I can remember … (many authors)
    4.35%

     
  • Platypus: So I'm a mix of spare animal parts? The LORD: Yes. Platypus: Negotiable? The LORD: No. Platypus: Can I at least have a non-ridiculous name? The LORD: Also no …@longwall26
    5.23%

     
  • "I have no son." -- Dr. Boyardee …@IAmMaggieMull
    2.95%

     
  • I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them …@10InchesPlus
    11.96%

     
  • The fact that Trump thinks black people are dumb enough to forget that he doesn't think our current President was born here says everything …@SamGrittner
    8.54%

     
  • I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening … @KenJennings
    12.68%

     
  • Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up." … @thesulk
    4.14%

     
  • I make it a habit to tell people their dreams will never amount to anything. Because success stories are nothing without people like me …@ashleycrem
    3.36%

     
  • Millennial: Check out my podcast, hit subscribe and make sure to tell all your friends. Genie: These are terrible wishes ….@thepunningman
    3.11%

     
  • "I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." - Dolphin bucket list …@WildeThingy
    6.06%

     
  • Caffeine would be a pretty name for a baby girl …@Hormonella
    2.43%

     
  • I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions …@thepunningman
    6.31%

     
  • Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?" …@TheCatWhisprer
    4.66%

     
  • "I put the 'alone' in Capital One" --sad branch manager ... @JoeBerkowitz
    2.95%

     
  • Girlfriend: Daddy. Me: Don't call me that, it's creepy. Girlfriend: Sorry Baby. Me: That's better …@DanMentos
    1.97%

     
  • The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one (crummy) frozen waffle? ….@OhNoSheTwitnt
    9.47%

     
  • In hell you're surrounded by your friends but all they talk about are Groupon deals …@Home_Halfway
    2.64%

     
Posted 3 years.