Which of this week's top tweets are your favorites? (Multiple selections allowed) (Poll Closed)

  • We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself …@joeljeffrey

  • "I want us to exercise together and eat more salads", I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall …. @Pork_Chop_Hair

  • Once I loved a song so I listened to it about 100 times in 2 days and by the third day wanted to set myself on fire if I ever heard it again, but yeah I think your new song lyrics tattoo is great …@AndrewNadeau0

  • I don't engage in gossip at work, but I can tell you who does. …@scott_towel

  • The female of the species displays dominance by not looking up from her phone when the male enters the room …@jackiembouvier

  • Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess …@robin_991

  • I'm on the Michael Phelps' 12,000 calorie a day diet minus the whole swimming thing …@Social_Mime

  • The fact that Old McDonald *had* a farm implies a terrible tragedy of which we know nothing … @blade_funner

  • Pro cooking tip: if you stir a little coconut oil into your kale it makes it easier to scrape into the garbage .… (Various)

  • Thank you for translating "mucho" for me, it means a lot …@ElleOhHell

  • I can’t decide if I should put my life savings into bitcoin or on the Washington Generals …@GianDoh

  • Why so few songs about the color of lovers' sleeves? Did you ever ask yourself that? Name two. I'll wait. And you think you're woke. …@nattylumpo88

  • Me: While you're up there, let's do a Spiderman kiss. My dental hygienist: Still no …@sug_knight

  • Crushed tomatoes are like regular tomatoes except their dad didn't give them any encouragement. …@Lovestained555

  • Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years …@WheelTod